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The key here, I think, is that while you might want to protect your siblings from painful information, different people have such wildly different relationships to “painful information” that it’s not always possible to predict, even if you think you know someone pretty well. Better to give them the option to seek out more information, I think, even if some people might respond with, “Shoot, I would rather not have known at all, but now that I know there is something to know, I won’t feel peace until I find out what that is.” That’s hard, of course, but they’re still deciding for themselves, even if that decision is shaped by insatiable curiosity or a sense of needing to learn more but not exactly wanting to.
Q. Re: Dreading a move: Please figure out how to take care of yourself in all of this. The first year of residency is a misery for everyone involved. You will rarely see your partner and will spend a lot of time hanging around and living on his schedule until you both figure out, months into it, what that means. He will probably be on call and at the hospital every third or fourth night. That’s hard enough when you live in a city where you have friends and a support network (I should know, I did it twice), but unimaginably difficult and probably quite personally destructive in a new city with no friends. I would try somehow to do long-distance for at least the first year, until the time demands on him are reduced and you have a chance to prepare for this properly. You can both find less expensive shared housing for that time; some hospitals have dorms, and there are other first-year residents who are on the same punishing schedule so that sharing a small apartment is not difficult because the tenants are there literally only to sleep. Don’t move if you are dreading it this much at this point.
A: Thanks so much for sharing this. I’ve gotten a few other answers to the same effect—basically, talk about this with as many of your friends as possible, and see if there are any creative ways you can put off your own move for at least the first year. Even an imperfect compromise might be better than spending the next year mostly alone in a brand new city. This level of dread is an important indicator to pay attention to and pump the brakes, I think.
Danny M. Lavery: Thanks for the help, everyone—and please update us if you can, Dreading a Move! See you all next week.
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
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