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I Got But I Still Want Some of You to Stay Away from Me Shirt

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I Got But I Still Want Some of You to Stay Away from Me Shirt

I’m a cis bi guy in my 40s who doesn’t have a lot of experience with other men. I’m happily married to a wonderful woman who knows I’m bi, and while we’re presently monogamous, we’ve talked about opening things up in the future. If that happens, I’d like to casually hook up with a guy once in a while, but I’m a little anxious about gay hookup culture.

1. Will a lot of guys dismiss me for being bi or married? I assume biphobia is more of an issue when looking for a relationship, rather than a hookup, but I dunno.

2. If I meet a guy and we’re going to fuck, is it weird to bring up condoms? I know: I shouldn’t be afraid to ask to use a condom, and if someone can’t respect that, I shouldn’t fuck him. I’m not and I won’t. But will most guys be a little surprised, especially with PrEP these days?

3. On that note, should I ask my doctor about PrEP when all I want is a very occasional fuck (maybe a few times a year) with someone I’ve vetted and trust about their HIV-negative or undetectable status? I want to be safe, but I don’t want to put superfluous meds in my body.

4. Is the “top shortage” I’ve read about a few times a real thing? Are a lot of guys strictly tops or bottoms?

5. And is there anything else I should know before hopping on the apps?

—Wondering About Navigating New Arenas Before Indulging

1. There are lots of biphobic gay men out there, WANNABI, but I gotta say … There are more biphobes in the straight community. Yes, straight biphobia is less gallingly hypocritical, I will grant you, but it does more harm; research has shown that having a biphobic straight spouse is the single biggest risk factor for poor mental health outcomes among bisexuals. So I’m happy to hear that your spouse accepts your bisexuality, WANNABI, and I’m going to apologize in advance for the biphobia you’ll encounter from some dumb gay men. But if all you’re after is some casual sex, WANNABI, you don’t need to disclose your bisexuality to the men you meet on the apps. You also shouldn’t assume the men you meet on “gay” hookup apps are gay; some will be bisexual, just like you. And while biphobic gay men get all the press, WANNABI, there are lots of biphilic gay men out there — that is, gay men who are really into married “straight” men. If you don’t wanna hide the wife and don’t wanna wind up with a FWB who wants you to leave the wife for him, finding guys who are actually turned on by the fact that you have a wife at home is not a bad strategy.

2. Even at the height of the AIDS Crisis — even at a time when contracting HIV was almost invariably fatal — condoms weren’t used 100% of the time by 100% of gay and bi men. Now with PrEP (a daily pill that prevents HIV infection) and treatments for HIV+ men that make it impossible for them to spread the virus (HIV+ men with undetectable viral loads can’t transmit the virus), fewer gay and bi men are using condoms these days. If you wanna use a condom because you’re not on PrEP and/or you wanna protect yourself and your wife from all the sexually transmitted infections PrEP won’t protect you from — and that would be all the other sexually transmitted infections out there — insist on condoms and pass on guys who argue with you about it.

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