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and I have been through a lot of changes. Almost a decade ago, I came out to her as an atheist after having been very religious; a few years ago I came out to her as a trans woman and began transitioning. Both of these transitions were difficult, but she stuck by me and we have an incredibly strong relationship. More recently, I came out to her as bisexual, which was a recent shift in my orientation. When I told her, I was clear that I still want to be faithful to her alone, but she reacted poorly and asked me not to tell anyone, especially her parents and mine. Is this a reasonable request? I spent so long in the closet that I hate being back in yet another one.
A: No, “don’t tell anyone you’re bisexual” is not a reasonable request. “I’m not ready to discuss bisexuality with my parents yet” might be reasonable in some circumstances—or rather, let’s say it might be workable in a number of relationships—but there’s an awful lot of room between “our parents” and “anyone.”
Implicit in your line about the difficulty of your various transitions and how your wife has “stuck by you” is a fear that this will prove the final straw, that you have already trespassed on your wife’s good nature overlong by becoming an atheist and transitioning, and that you’re treading on thin ice if you want to discuss being bisexual with some of your friends. I don’t think that’s true! She may very well have a better reaction once the strength of her first has faded; I hope if you revisit the conversation once she’s had a little time to adjust, that she’ll be able to offer something more than just “Keep it a secret, I don’t want to have to deal with this.”
But it’s perfectly reasonable for you to say something like this in return: “We don’t have to discuss this with either of our parents [feel free to add “right now” if you think you might want to discuss it with your own parents someday], and I’m happy to take this slowly and talk through it together, but I can’t agree to your request never to tell anyone else that I’m bisexual. It’s important to me, and I want to be able to be out with my friends. I’m prepared to talk through any concerns or questions you might have, but I can’t agree to that request.”
Q. When to stop waiting: My wife and I are currently going through the process of divorce. We had issues years ago when she found me watching porn shortly after our second child was born. I was using porn as a means of release, but she interpreted it (falsely) as a desire for something sexual in our relationship that I wasn’t getting from her. I have never so much as considered cheating on her, nor ever in any past relationships. She is very insecure in her physical appearance, as she is not happy with her body type and doesn’t find herself attractive. I always found her attractive, but didn’t do a good enough job expressing that.
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