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Q. Dreading a move: My partner recently matched for his medical residency training in a city where we know no one, and I have few career prospects. We will need to move in less than a month. I’m heartbroken. I feel like I’m being ripped away from my support system. I cry every day, feel physically ill from anxiety, and cannot imagine my life in this city for the next five years (the length of his residency). We are not in a financial position to do long-distance and pay rent in two cities if I wanted to stay here, with the job I love and a strong support system. He will be working 80-hour weeks and I am terrified I will be depressed, friendless, and alone without him. I’m absolutely distraught. I can’t focus on work. Everyone tells me this new city is great, but I can’t stop dreading the move. What can I do to accept this new reality and get excited for a new adventure, rather than assuming it’ll be awful? How can I be more functional in my day-to-day life as I prepare for a big life change?
A: Accepting a new reality is one thing, but “getting excited for a new adventure” is a bit too much pressure to put on yourself. Your fears are eminently grounded in reality (as a resident, he will be working long hours; you really don’t know anyone there), and those realities can’t be changed by simply adjusting your attitude. I don’t want to entirely rule out the possibility that you’ll still want to move with him despite your powerful, overwhelming concerns, but if you’re already feeling ill on a daily basis and know you’ll be seeing very little of your partner in your new city, I think you should give serious consideration to other options (including, I’m afraid, at least the possibility of breaking up). Are there any other options besides moving together in a month or paying two full, separate rent checks every month? Is it possible to move in with one of your local friends, and for your partner to split rent with another fellow resident (or several) in his new city for the first year or so? That might give you time to pay this new city a few visits without feeling immediate pressure to make it your new home right away.
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